50. Kiss - Let's Put the X in Sex http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNKJ4SPj_Rw
Kiss has certainly written their fair share of horrible songs (Love Gun? REALLY???), but when they were costumed and made up Kabuki-style, fans were so distracted by the theatrics, that no one seemed to notice how bad the songs actually were. That all changed once the band was famously "unmasked" in the late 80's. In an attempt to gain public attention, not to mention artistic credibility, they made what was bad, even worse. "Let's Put the X in Sex"???? What does that even mean? At least "Love Gun" was an adolescent attempt at a metaphor.
49. Depeche Mode - What's Your Name http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0HlH5vUtk8
Admittedly, this is a rather obscure pick, but it is worth a mention anyway. This "gem" can be found on Depeche Mode's first album "Speak and Spell," and it is embarrassing to say the least. This song chants "hey you're such a pretty boy, hey you're such a pretty boy, you're so pretty," over music that can best be described as an ice cream truck set to a drum machine. And there are even synthesized hand claps! As awful as all of that is, the worst part is when they actually spell out "P-R-E-DOUBLE T-Y," in unison. That said, it really isn't surprising that the "mastermind" behind Depeche Mode's first album was Vince Clarke, who later went on to form Yaz and Erasure. That says it all, I think.
48. The Beatles - Revolution No. 9 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdPvN7HOLh8
This is not so much a "song" as it is a concept. But concepts this abstract do not necessarily belong on Beatles records, and Paul, George, and Ringo agreed. So did the fans. This is a noisy and pretentious mess.
47. R.E.M - Shiny Happy People http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FjSchBoch0&p=D6DC6EE62F3D36A9&playnext=1&index=4
This song is catastrophic, and it is proof that some ideas just don't translate well. See...R.E.M was a very good band once. A folky, jangly, introspective band that dominated college rock radio during the 80's. Their songs were often brooding and melancholic. So, when Michael Stipe tried to parlay his sarcasm into a song about overly joyous people, it read as a literal point of view rather than a sardonic one. Too bad for him, his band, and the rest of the world that is now stuck with this annoying anthem. This song is atrocious for many reasons, the lyrics being the most obvious reason. But, to make matters worse, the irritating musical merriment is topped by Kate Pierson's overly bright and chipper voice. Her voice is brilliant within the her own band, the B-52's. But mixed with Michael Stipe's whining, it just doesn't work. This song is a mess, plain and simple.
46. The B-52's - Good Stuff http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4T6JBB-w0g
Poor Kate Pierson. I love her. I LOVE the B-52's. But 1992 was not their year, as this song clearly demonstrates. First off, they tried to make a record without Cindy Wilson, and her absence is hugely felt. All of the tracks on the Good Stuff album seem hollow and generic. It's almost as if they became a parody of themselves. This song exemplifies that perfectly. For starters, we have all the requisite kitsch and goofy lyrics, but none of the genuine spunkiness that put them on the map in the late 1970's. They tried to maintain their audience, but their hearts were obviously not in it. This song, and the rest of the album, is "product." Seriously, it's like Warner Reprise wrote a recipe for the B-52's: 2 parts Fred's nerdy banter, random lyrics about peace and love, lots of big hair and glitter, and Kate jumping around like a wood nymph on cocaine, and VIOLA! you have the B-52's!!! Sadly, the B-52's tried this "formula" and they bombed. Big time.
45. ABBA - Does Your Mother Know http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkL7Fkigfn8&ob=av2n
This song is TERRIBLE. Not so much musically, but lyrically. It's creepy when you think about what they are actually saying. And if the age gap was such an issue, one must wonder if they were trolling the wrong night clubs. Aside from the creepy uncle vibe of the song, I must say I liked it so much better when it was Voulez Vous. :-P
44. The Beach Boys - Kokomo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_5_AD9wXuY
First thing I'd like to know is WHY???? It is so sad that a formerly brilliant band resorted to this kind of tripe. It's like they were contracted to write a song to appear in a Docker's ad. That is exactly what the song sounds like. They were desperately pandering to their peers; a middle aged demographic that had apparently graduated from freewheeling hippie-dom to uneventful bourgeois vacations in the tropics. Gross.
43. Cher - Believe http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbXiECmCZ94
I file this song under WTF?! Cher is older than my mom, and yet she is suffering from some kind of delusion that she is a twenty-something pop phenom. As if that wasn't bad enough...there's the AUTOTUNE! Oh my god...CHER, YOU ARE NOT T-PAIN. YOU ARE NOT BRITNEY SPEARS EITHER. PLEASE STOP! (was I shouting? Sorry!) It just depresses me when people who have rightfully earned their place in the entertainment industry try to cater to a newer, younger crowd.
42. Jane's Addiction - Jane Says http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNZ2A2URVSY
It's a shame that this is Jane's Addiction's signature song. For one thing, Perry Farrell doesn't exactly have the best voice to carry out a ballad. It's like listening to a braying mule...for nearly 5 minutes. And the lyrics are effective in that they paint a convincing vignette of early 90's LA life, but they are not exactly poignant or well-written. In addition, the mood of this song is overwhelmingly depressing, Perry's singing is headache inducing, and the entire effort makes me feel like I need a bath after I hear it.
41. Madonna - American Life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYduJw5LyFM&ob=av2e
Madonna should not rap EVER. I was actually embarrassed for her when I first heard this song. I couldn't believe that anyone let her record this crap, much less release it. In public. As a SINGLE. For those of you who haven't heard this song, let me quote the awkward "rap" contained within the song:
I'm drinking a Soy latte
I get a double shot-ay
It goes right through my body
And you know
I'm satisfied,
I drive my mini cooper
And I'm feeling super-dooper
Yo they tell I'm a trooper
And you know I'm satisfied
I do yoga and pilates
And the room is full of hotties
So I'm checking out the bodies
And you know I'm satisfied
I'm digging on the isotopes
This metaphysic's shit is dope
And if all this can give me hope
You know I'm satisfied
I got a lawyer and a manager
An agent and a chef
Three nannies, an assistant
And a driver and a jet
A trainer and a butler
And a bodyguard or five
A gardener and a stylist
Do you think I'm satisfied?
I'd like to express my extreme point of view
I'm not Christian and I'm not a Jew
I'm just living out the American dream
And I just realized that nothing Is what it seems
Trust me...hearing it is so much worse! She sounds stiff and awkward. I honestly never thought Madonna would dive to such depths to remain relevant. And that's not even taking on the issue of her continually age-inappropriate outfits, poses, and album covers. She needs to stop...it's getting embarrassing.
40. Billy Joel - The Downeaster Alexa & We Didn't Start the Fire (they're both atrocious!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVlDSzbrH5M&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFTLKWw542g&ob=av2e
Okay, let's start with the first song; it is essentially a sea shanty about a fictional ship...named after his DAUGHTER. My problem with this song is that it is overwrought with faux sentimentality. And honestly, how can he sing a song with any kind of conviction about something this lame? *sigh* Then there is "We Didn't Start the Fire." This is possibly one of the worst songs I have ever heard. In this song Billy tries to sum up the history of the entire 20th century in less than 4 minutes. And he does it poorly, with lyrics like:
Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal suicide
Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, Crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and Roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore!
UGH.
39. John Lennon - Happy Christmas (War is Over) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRBcwufAuQw
This song is just awful. It is a simplistic melody, stuffed with John's political views and pacifist agenda, and as a final insult, we get to experience Yoko Ono's tone deaf "singing" in the chorus. I'm sure that upon this song's release, people were less concerned with the war being over than the SONG being over.
38. Heart - All I Want to Do is Make Love to You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAfxs0IDeMs&ob=av2e
This song is essentially a cheesy romance novel set to music. *Cue fat chick on couch cradling a box of bon bons.* Well, Ann Wilson,congratulations! You're almost there..."will someone get the lady some more bon bons?!"
37. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Babies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5PnzC_vLsA&ob=av2n
Oh, Ozzy...what does it all mean?
This was Ozzy's attempt to be relevant in the late 80's, but like song #5, it didn't really work.
36. Michael Jackson - Black or White http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2AitTPI5U0&feature=fvst
So much is wrong with this song, aside from Michael's bizarre pairing with MacCauley Culkin in the video. That was just creepy. But the song itself is crap, even without the messy, big-budgeted video. It is a preachy pop song attempting to solve racism with simplistic ideals and catchphrases. The irony would be, of course, this "preaching" came from a man who was once black and became white. Hmmmm.
35. Elton John - Can You Feel the Love Tonight http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duwz5y4jONE
Sentimental, mind-numbingly boring CRAP. This is music for people who get offended by Hallmark cards.
34. Def Leppard - Let's Get Rocked http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygiTv7tEYm0
This is Def Leppard imitating Def Leppard. Badly. In the early 90's they were trying so hard to keep up, and remain "hip" and "relevant," but their attempts misfired, and this was the unfortunate result. This song is generic, banal, and uninspired. Not that they were ever known for being brilliant anyway (Pour Some Sugar on Me????). But, I have to give them credit...at least they didn't try to jump on the "grunge" bandwagon. *shrugs*
33. Aerosmith - Pink and Don't Want to Miss a Thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLRLhV9U0kQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY
"Pink 'cause you are so very..." WTF???? WHY???? Why were they singing about a color? Why is Pink the color of love? Why did they want me to be their flamingo? Why is it the new lingo? I just don't understand what the hell they were thinking. This song is a turd. HORRIBLE.
As for "Don't Want to Miss a Thing," let's just say this song was penned by Diane Warren, and was originally intended for Celine EFFING Dion. Just goes to show that any artistic merit Aerosmith ever had went out the window along with Steven Tyler's heroin addiction. Sad to say that, but it's true. Now he needs to go to vocational school and learn a new skill, because crafting great songs is no longer one of them.
32 Stevie Wonder - I Just Called to Say I Love You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwOU3bnuU0k&ob=av2e
Thank God for caller ID...
No sentiment that douchey warrants a phone call, much less a song. Yikes.
31. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge AND Californication http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLvohMXgcBo&ob=av2e
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlUKcNNmywk&ob=av2e
I used to LOVE the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They were a really good funk rock band in the 80's. Then they started trying to be serious and important. They had the opposite problem that R.E.M had around the same time. Both bands tried to become a different band than what they had been originally, and the music suffered in both cases. For me, the RHCP decline began with "Under the Bridge." That song is so over the top, and Anthony's unaffected vocal style doesn't really suit the mood of the song at all. He sounds like he is trying to sing a serious and somber song with a handful of gobstoppers in his mouth. And the gospel choir at the end? Really??? It's like, how many cliches can be thrown into one song?! This song is cloying and overdone in every way.
With Californication, a similar problem exists...they were trying to write a serious song, and the sentimentality came off as insincere and vapid. Their music spiraled consistently downward after this point.
30. Van Halen - Jump http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8LdRJqjjRM
This is the poppiest song Van Halen ever made, and as a result it was also the most successful. Thing is, this song was popular in 1984, and it will always sound like 1984. That's really not a good thing, either, when you consider that in 1984 people thought The Romantics were a good band, spandex was cool, and mall hair was sexy.
29. Blondie - Rapture http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWRL9NLQqP8&ob=av2e
This isn't a terrible song, per se, but the "rap" at the end just kills it for me. Blondie's "rap" is almost as uncool as Madonna's, and certainly a lot more odd. I know some people like the campy aspect of her rapping, but I just can't get into it. It's like she is spouting out random rhymes just for the sake of it, which my four year old daughter does consistently, and more artfully, I might add.
28. Oingo Boingo - Insanity http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sROhhid5CB4
Oingo Boingo is one of my all time favorite bands. I always loved their quirky energy and their unique sound. They wrote incredibly complex songs about random, silly subjects, such as insects, reptiles (and samurai), and little guns. That said, I was incredibly disappointed when they elected to make a serious, heavy handed, and preachy album in the mid-nineties, titled simply "Boingo." The first track on this album is called "Insanity" and it pretty much embodies every element that makes this record a dismal failure. The song is dark, over-orchestrated nonsense, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that made this band great in the first place. This is another case of a band trying to adopt a new identity, and failing.
27. The Doors - The End http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDN9y2vTdUs
Horrible, pretentious, overly-long, hippie dippy drivel from Jim Morrison and co. They obviously ingested shitloads of acid which might have expanded their minds, but did we really need a recording of their collective inner monologue?
26. Britney Spears - I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlV7RhT6zHs
A veritable douche commercial. Britney should not attempt profundity, it simply does not suit her.
25. U2 - Vertigo http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaV5UCMsW-8
Behold: U2's ultimate sellout song! (And no, I don't want a freakin' ipod!) This song is absolute suckitude, start to finish. And to think these guys used to write songs like "New Year's Day." *shakes head in utter bafflement*
24. No Doubt - It's My Life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcnqzi1a0yo
One of the worst covers ever. Gwen's incessant whining detracts from the somber brilliance of the original song.
23. Stone Temple Pilots - Plush http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5UOC0C0x8Q&ob=av2n
STP started out sounding like a second-rate Pearl Jam, which sucks for them especially considering that Pearl Jam isn't even a very good band to begin with. On top of that, the lyrics to this song are completely inane. I never have understood the appeal of this song. Fortunately, the band got better (and a bit more distinctive) as their career progressed.
22. Justin Timberlake - Losing my Way http://www.youtube.coBeholdm/watch?v=LHuq-a3lKOQ
Oh, Justin. Really?!
"Yeah... Hum... Yeah... Uh... Excuse me
Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job
I make forty-something dollars a day
I used to be the man in my hometown
Until I started to lose my way
It all goes back to when I dropped out at school
Having fun, I was living the life
But now I got a problem with that little white rock
See I can't put down the pipe..."
Yeah, all Justin's time growing up in the hood really paid off. Oh my god, this song is so unintentionally hilarious and embarrassing. He is obviously a spoiled suburban kid, so the fact that he wrote a first person account of crack addiction is laughable and more than a little patronizing. Not your best effort JT.
21. Alice in Chains - The Nothin' Song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfPA-Ob3mGE
I adore AIC...anyone who knows me, knows that. But this song is absolutely pathetic. The music isn't bad, but the lyrics? Here...take a look:
Well the nothin song sticks to your mouth
Like peanut butter on the brain
Nothin ever stays the same
Nothin, yeah nothin, nothin, nothin
Went outside to give all a break
Wearing cowhide, steak on a skate
Back inside, Sam throw away your cake
Went outside to give all a break
Went outside to give all a break
Wearing cowhide, steak on a skate
Back inside, Sam throw away your cake
Back inside, Sam throw away your cake
20. OutKast - Roses http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAPACD8_Zzw
Not sure whose idea it was to center the song around a horrible comparison between a snobby pretty girl, and roses smelling like POO, but whoever was responsible really injured my long-standing reverence for OutKast.
19. Smashing Pumpkins - Ava Adore http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYnihTlVuzQ
Uncle Fester never should have tried his hand at electronic music. This song falls flat in so many ways, and Billy Corgan's whining doesn't make it anymore convincing. They were trying to jump on the newly emerging electronic music bandwagon, and in doing so they forgot that the whole aim of the Smashing Pumpkins was to ROCK. Oops.
18. Billy Idol - Mony, Mony http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVlfs84YBRs
This song sucked in 1968 when it was recorded by Tommy James and the Shondells. In fact, why anyone would elect to cover a Tommy James and the Shondells song is beyond me. But Billy Idol did, and in doing so, he pretty much cemented the notion that he was a talentless twit.
17. Kylie Minogue - Locomotion http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hswhS6QUENc
Another really wretched cover song. I love Kylie, but her early "music" isn't very good, and this song wasn't even good the first time around when Little Eva recorded it. In light of that, it certainly didn't need to be reimagined as an 80's dance track with synthesized hand claps and chirpy singing. Yuck.
16. Madness - It Must Be Love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puYt7B-tKQ8
Uber schmaltz by a genuinely clever ska band. This song is incredibly sappy and annoying. And it seems to go on for ten hours. No thanks...
15. Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBShN8qT4lk
This song is so incredibly grating. I hated it when it first came out, and I simply cannot fathom how anyone ever thought this song was a good idea. Don't get me wrong, I love the Beastie Boys. But this song is the absolute worst. Ad Rock's yelling is perhaps worse for your ears than a jackhammer, and this whole mess is like being at an eternal frat party. In hell. With no reprieve. EVER..
14. Radiohead - Karma Police http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uYWYWPc9HU&ob=av2e
Let me start by saying that Radiohead is my absolute favorite band after XTC. Those are my top two bands of all time. That said, I know people will scratch their heads when they see the inclusion of "Karma Police" on this list. Mind you, "Karma Police" is not a bad song, exactly. But it is pedestrian and boring for Radiohead. They are far more gifted and versatile than this song would allow the casual listener to believe. And for that reason, I have included this song. It is lackluster, and Thom is capable of brilliance that goes far and beyond this.
13. Neil Young - Kinda Fond of Wanda http://www.ilike.com/artist/Neil+Young/track/Kinda+Fonda+Wanda?src=onebox
This song is actually kind of funny, because of it's lousiness. Apparently Neil Young wanted out of his recording contract, and was not granted his wish. So, in an act of rebellion, he made an atrocious album called "Everybody's Rocking." This song is one of the worst, and it's funny because he was obviously trying to write bad music. The lyrics are "I'm kinda fonda Wanda, I'm kinda fonda Wanda, I'm kinda fonda Wanda cause a Wanda always wanna, wanna, wanna..." Score: Neil Young - 1, Geffen - 0
12. Paul McCartney - Mull of Kintyre http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5626WzsfMw
Music to fall asleep to. Seriously, this is one of the most boring songs I have ever heard in my life. It is like a travelogue for the elderly. And it has bagpipes. Ugh...Paul, what were you thinking?
11. Prince - Diamonds and Pearls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rTvG2jVteA
Overwrought, insipid pop ballad from Prince. This song is like every early 90's song Toni Braxton or Jody Watley ever recorded, which was fine for them, but this is Prince. Prince is a musical genius, and I cannot even begin to wrap my brain around this monstrosity.
10. The Who - Squeezebox http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXoxH8HI7z8
A metaphorical song about a vagina. GREAT. Thanks boys.
9. Hole - Doll Parts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzepWL73NTg
Love her or hate her, Courtney Love has written quite a few good songs. Unfortunately, this is not one of them. This song places way too much emphasis on her guttural singing, and the theme of the song is quite annoying as well. Instead of garnering any kind of sympathy or understanding from the listener, she does quite the opposite. She comes across as a manipulative woman who enjoys playing the victim. Someone needs to get her to a good counselor...
8. Faith No More - We Care a Lot http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1g9PFtSCKw
First off, I am so glad they replaced Chuck Mosley. His "singing" is dull and monotonous. And honestly the song isn't bad musically, so much as it sucks lyrically. Granted, this was FNM in their infancy, but this song is really tough to listen to because it is dated, for one thing, and rather amateurish.
7. Rolling Stones - Beast of Burden http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8On3UiBOTdQ
I know many people love this song. I am not one of them. I love the Stones tremendously, but this just sounds like a lazy blues song being played by a drunken man at a frat party. They have done so much better.
6. America - Don't Cross the River http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9g5ZEPI50yw
The song cautions:"Don't cross the river if you can't swim the tide." Okay, someone needs to inform the boys in America that there is no TIDE in a river. Granted, America was never known for their lyrical brilliance (Horse With No Name, anyone?), but this is America at their worst. The song is so derivative and generic, and the horrible lyrics don't help anything. This song is good for a chuckle though.
5. Alice Cooper - Poison http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq4j1LtCdww&ob=av2n
This was Alice Cooper's bid to remain relevant in the late 80's, and much like Ozzy's "Crazy Babies," it failed miserably. Part of this failure was undoubtedly due to Alice trying his best to ooze some manner of sexuality into this song (and video), which is all wrong. It's wrong in the way that thinking of old people having sex is wrong. Just....EWWWWW.
4. Sting (w/ Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart) - All For One http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofA3URC1wyk
Holy crap...what were any of them thinking?!
This song is a schmaltzy power anthem encouraging bromances everywhere! *gross*. I just hope they were all paid adequately for throwing away any musical credibility they had ever earned in any of their respective careers.
3. Genesis - I Can't Dance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zb9UND65mto
In the 70's, Genesis were capable of writing interesting songs. In the 80's they wrote a few good songs. In the 90's, we got this crap. Adding insult to injury, we were inundated by the unfortunate video that features Phil Collins mugging in front of cameras, while the band emphasizes the common notion that they have always been utterly uncool. Good job, guys!
2. Fleetwood Mac - Don't Stop http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szrzUDODznE
Let me start by saying I LOVE Fleetwood Mac. However, my respect for this band does not make this song any more tolerable. This song is, plain and simple, a TURD. It is meant to be "chipper" and "optimistic," but the optimism doesn't sound genuine. It sounds like a self-focused pep-talk by a band that was wrestling with cocaine addiction and messy romantic entanglements. It's as if they were trying to 'Dr. Phil' their way out of the murk caused by their success. And to make it all worse, Bill Clinton used this song as his campaign song. Everything that was wrong with the 1970's ME generation became glaringly obvious on Bill's inaugural night in 1993. Yuck.
1. Soundgarden - Spoonman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0_zzCLLRvE&ob=av2e
This song is abundantly annoying. And the subject matter is laughable. "Hmmm, let's write a song about a man who makes percussive "music" with spoons. YAY!" This song is dreadful. Kinda makes you forget about their many moments of pure genius.
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